Southern Crass...and other unsundry bits and pieces

Prelude

wholenewme — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 17:21:01 +0000

Last post I mentioned the time I have been given to work on myself. First of all I probably should mention that this was spurned by two things. The first was reading a book called Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson. It was a good book based on the principal that one has to take care of oneself to be able to give back to others. The second: seeing my wedding photos. OH. MY. GOD. I looked at those pictures, and even got out some of my old photos from my wedding to the ex (when I weighed literally 50 pounds less!) It was sobering, to say the least. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life that way-uncomfortable in my own skin.

My choices to make changes are not based solely on that one book though-more on a collection of things I’ve read over the years. I’ve also read books by Louise Hay. Hay’s publishing company, Hay House, publishes Richardson’s books as well. I learned from Hay how important it is to love myself, to the point of looking in the mirror and saying “I love you.” Sounds silly, huh? TRY IT. When you do it, pay attention to how you feel as you say the words-you’d be surprised at how much resistance you might feel. But that, other than God, is the most important person you need to be able to love!

So there you have it-the initial spark to change

opening up doors

wholenewme — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 16:33:02 +0000

I got married on June 12th. It was very very small and casual, and the majority of the people I wanted were there with a few exceptions. I really have no complaints, except I wanted a honeymoon in Florida. *sigh*I guess it was too much to ask for, when we had been stressed out for so long with Flannel not finding a decent job. He finally got a job a few weeks before the wedding that keeps him away for weeks at a time, but there’s a really good future for him career-wise. The time alone with just my kids is very VERY hard, but something is telling me it’s a really good thing for me. I have the security of knowing I love my husband desperately, but the freedom to finally truly work on myself and the problems that have been present for so many years.

My mother would probably immediately interject at this point by saying “no, it’s time for you to find a JOB.” (I am still looking for a teaching job). But I AM going to find a job. It may not be what I had intended, or what anyone expects, but it will come. There is definitely something I have to say though-deep down I am beginning to wonder if there is something other than teaching that God has in mind for me. After so many years and things happening, both by my own choice and not, it is starting to look like there are other forces pulling elsewhere. I remember a dear friend of mine who took the MCAT over and over again until she finally made it into med school. I guess you can look at that both ways-God wanted her to WANT it, or maybe she really wasn’t intended for that particular profession. At THIS point Mom would be freaking out, since I have been working on this teacher job project for about 7 months now. So…

I am going to attempt to let go of what she would think, do, or say. That’s the whole point of this post. I have done a million and one things, or chosen to rebel, because of what she or my former classmates from high school would have said or thought or done. As far as classmates, I have decided to literally put them by the wayside. I had been worrying over reconnecting with them on facebook, and it got to the point where I knew it wasn’t worth it. I have to decide what would make ME proud of myself before I can worry over what anyone else thinks. So I am not going to entertain any thoughts of them for a very long time. As for my Mom, I’m going to have to keep my wits about me and stay grounded in whatever decisions I make.

To be continued (because I HATE long posts!)…

for thought

wholenewme — Fri, 22 May 2009 15:02:27 +0000

I saw this on someone else’s blog and I wanted a place to save it but also to share:

“Couples often contemplate divorce when the alternative is actually a deepening of their relationship. They throw in the towel at the very moment when they could take the risk to be known and loved more completely by one another.”

wedding edit

wholenewme — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 04:45:09 +0000

Cozumel went to hell. Florida has almost gone to hell too. Now I am thinking justice of the peace and Natchez or Vicksburg. If nothing else comes out of the woodwork demanding that I owe them money.

I want to have a decent wedding and a decent three day not-too-fancy honeymoon. I want to keep my house and be able to go to the grocery store and not flip out over how much everything costs. I want to be able to stop by a fast food restaurant during a time crunch and not suddenly want to hurl when I see the prices on the menu. But I just can’t even imagine that ever happening.

I wish I had an “off” switch

wholenewme — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 19:47:21 +0000

I worry. A lot. My friends and family fuss at me for it, but I have yet to find a way to quit. I am here today to attempt to unravel some of the tension in my stomach. It’s coming mainly from money problems. I love my house, I really do. But I HATE…no I ABHOR the mortgage payment amount. I drove over to pick my son up from his Dad’s, and looked at their house enviously. Why? Because I know the mortgage isn’t near as high over there. I know right now I am supposed to be focusing on getting my teaching job, but my stomach stays in knots over the house problem. To stay here come the fall, without extra assistance from parents, would eat any money we could hope to save. I’d rather live in a smaller house and pay 800 per month than live in a bigger house and pay 1500. The problem (you know how I love bullet lists):

both of our credit is completely SHOT…and I mean it’s GONE…kaput…the can’t-buy-a-new-house-with-that-score type kaput
the house we are in is in an older neighborhood where the houses do NOT sell quickly at all, and that is during prime selling time not the economic crap-hole we’re in now

It’s either a)try and sell the house or b)beg my Dad to help refinance it

Sorry, I just needed to whine. I’ll be glad when Flannel gets home from rig training. I hate missing him, and I hate having things so up in the air with jobs and money.

stress

wholenewme — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 02:51:53 +0000

I am having a moment. One of THOSE moments. My toilet is broken, AGAIN. My fiance accidentally gouged a 4 inch tear in my leather seats in the back of my car. Then, my son steps on my daughter’s Nintendo DS and breaks the screen. My house is a complete wreck, the repairs are not near done, my yard is a holy-mother-of-God disaster, and my lawnmower is broken too. Oh, and by the way that is what, my THIRD lawnmower? Ok, enough of the ranting.

All I want, more than anything:

A night to sit in my bed and paint my toenails, watch movies, and read. ALONE. When:

Every bit of laundry is done and put away
The house is spotless
The yard is fixed, right down to the tilling and re-seeding we’re going to have to do
The flower beds are planted, weeded, and gorgeous
That black THING in my driveway is sold
The pool is clear
All closets are clean and organized
All repairs are done and done WELL

*Le Sigh*

decisions

wholenewme — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 17:30:36 +0000

We are getting married. The ring has been chosen and the honeymoon destination SORT OF chosen. The date? It will be sometime in early June, but we don’t know what day exactly. Why?

Flannel leaves the end of this month to go to rig training and comes back around the 5th of May
He is also joining the guard, and when he does it will mean a whole MONTH away
We have to coordinate kids with grandparents and my ex- 10 will be with grandparents and 4 will be with the ex so it will need to be a visitation weekend…though my ex and I are getting along so well these days he might not mind if we rearranged a little.

And we are on a SMALL BUDGET. My first wedding was humongeous, with a bill I am almost scared to even wrap my head around. My parents threw their whole hearts into it thinking, as I did, that it was the first and last time they would see me get married. Both Flannel and I knew early on we were not going to ask them to pay for a thing. I have done a huge amount of research and agonized over this on a daily basis. I found out it is WAY cheaper to just go and get married elsewhere. Believe it or not, Cozumel is one of the cheapest places and that includes airfare. But every time we say we’ve decided on Cozumel, I get a weird feeling. I’m not sure if that’s because I feel I don’t deserve something that extravagant, or maybe it’s the whole drug lord problem. I know they aren’t having any of that on Cozumel (it’s an island), but maybe I still shouldn’t ignore my intuition. Either way it’s got to be cheap, as in less than 2000 for ALL of it including clothes, licenses, etc. You know what? I went to theknot.com and looked up budget weddings…you know what they say a BUDGET wedding costs? TEN THOUSAND. Phoey!! To me, that’s called CRAP THAT’S EXPENSIVE OMG WE’RE GOING TO HAVE TO SELL OUR FIRSTBORN! (note: I am not into selling children…that was a JOKE)

So anyway, it looks like it’s the beginning of June in Florida, just the two of us. We might be wearing potato sacks, but hey what an adventure! LOL!

pity party?

wholenewme — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 23:26:51 +0000

Right after my divorce, my then 3-year-old son went through a rough patch- much like the rest of us did I suppose. He somehow got out of the house one day while I was in the bathroom, and when I got out of the bathroom he was nowhere to be found. Once I saw he wasn’t in the house, I went screaming like an ape-shit banshee woman down the street in search of my baby. He was 4 houses down and had gone up to someone’s house. That day was purely awful. At the time I had no idea why he would have done that, as his older sister had never attempted to make a “prison break” of sorts. I felt insanely guilty, and I called his father sobbing. It was not until now that I realized my son had gone out looking for his Daddy. That time in my life is one I prefer not to remember.

I thought it was over and done with…it is painful enough when it comes into my thoughts occassionally and I definitely didn’t need anything to remind me of it. But today my daughter got off the bus and said she wanted to talk. She said “Mom, the reason why my best friend can’t spend the night is because her mother doesn’t think you guys are responsible enough to watch her…because of when 4 got out.” I had no idea the girl down the street was not allowed to spend the night. I hadn’t asked, mainly because I am always discouraged at how my house looks (silly I know). I don’t recall EVER asking, though 10 assures me we have before.

Heck, I don’t know why I’m writing this except to try and let out the waves of guilt that came washing over me again and the hurt and damnIsoundsopatheticdon’tI? I wanted to call Mom, but there’s nothing she can do to make me feel better except listen. So it still hurts. And I have no idea what to do about it. I guess life goes on, doesn’t it?

Pump up Day 2, or “trying not to stab myself with a pencil”

wholenewme — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 15:19:09 +0000

I suffer (victim! victim!) of severe social anxiety. I also have an inertia problem. If I don’t find a way to get myself emotionally fired up over something, I generally will not get to it or I will procrastinate till the very last possible second. The application process, so far, is instigating a serious behavioral crab effect. The apps are like college entrance applications- long and involved. So, I need to find a way to get fired up that doesn’t involve medication or ingesting large amounts of food (namely SUGAR).Why teaching?

I am a sucker for 7th graders. I love the kids. Sure, some of them are obnoxious, but a lot of them are pretty cool to be around
teaching is an inspirational job- I get the opportunity to attempt to inspire the same love I have for English in the kids I instruct. Though I am not fired up over applying, I am definitely fired up over reading and poetry.
I get to have a part in the growth process of children. I realized how incredible that could be when my daughter got old enough to really teach at home beyond simple don’t do that and do behave such-and-such way.
Personal growth: teaching kids not only gives me the chance to help them grow, but I get to learn from them as well.
benefits that go beyond personal fulfillment- like insurance, decent salary, time off during holidays, and time off in the summer to GO TO SCHOOL myself
this might not be a big thing to anyone else, but it’s a chance to prove myself in a job that goes beyond just memorized tasks I repeat till I can practically do them with my eyes closed (like filing or accounting) It’s a “fluid” profession in my opinion. In the junior high and high school grades I get to have a different group of kids for each class, and of course a whole new crew the next year.
Because, darnit, learning is my FAVORITE thing to do! Teaching is part of learning of course.

SO, I will fill out my apps. I might go slower than most people would approve of, but by God I will get them done because it’s important to me- not only professionally, but personally as well. This will be the first job I get to do that requires a substantial amount of effort and dedication. OMG I actually have to put myself out there and TRY HARD. *chuckle* No wonder I’m scared.

THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME!!! Maybe that’s all the firing up I need

toe carnage, or am I a WOMAN or a MOUSE

wholenewme — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 21:17:35 +0000

I began the arduous process of applying to school districts today. The process? Seriously, I would rather eat my own big toe. Six refereces people, SIX FRIGGIN REFERENCES. I don’t even TALK to six people in a week, unless you count the oodles of kids I substitute teach for. Otherwise, I don’t talk to anyone. I mean, hello,I’m an introvert?!?!?! It really is enough to make me want to either a)apply for bookkeeping jobs or b)just go bang my head against a wall. The wall? Yeah, much easier than applying for a teaching position. I know, I know! They are trying to make sure they don’t have some psychotic nincompoop trying to teach their students. Plus I’m sure it helps to weed through the bunches of apps they get each year so Mr. Principal doesn’t have to interview 500 teachers. Hey, I can totally understand helping Mr. Principal out, ya know? But hey can he come and do my apps for me? I’ll step in and be your sub while you do it >:) Ok, wishful thinking there. Realistically, I am going to go take my good old extended release Xanex and eat a cupcake before I stress myself into an invitation to the vomit fairy. Vomit fairy hasn’t visited too much over the past few weeks, just once or twice. As much as I’d like to be a nice hospitable woman, I really hate her. Vomit fairy, you’re a real bitch by the way.

I am supposed to go to the gym in a little bit. I’m about to jump out of my skin, so not sure if gym time is a good idea atm. Maybe rum…or wine. This finding a new job doing something worthwhile takes serious guts and strength. I’m going to have to find them somewhere, deep down, buried underneath the baggage I’ve piled on top of them. I also need to find a way to get fired up, since over the past 7 years or so the only thing I’ve gotten fired up about is food or sleeping. Sad, but so true!

Vomit fairy, you’re still a BITCH. Bite me!